I’m so tired

I’m so tired at Instagram. I’m so tired at Facebook. Few seconds of charm is never enough.

Photograph should be made to last.

Friday

Overcast sky of a Friday like
corpse of a dead swan
pleasant creature it was not
it’s live days

Curtains of the windows are drawn shut
soft hand of a woman has not opened them

the hand that smells of expensive skin lotion
bought a rare jewel for her self pleasure

My shoes are tired of walking
anticipating departure from this world
I’m trying to prepare something
like a half brewed coffee from my grandmother’s jar

Leaving Shame

Of all negative human emotions, I believe shame to be the most destructive. It paralyzes us. It damages us. It stops the natural flow of life and creativity. And worst of all, it makes us self conscious and makes us think what others would think of us. This is a powerful inhibitor and will not allow spontaneity anywhere near.

For some reason I cannot understand, artists and creators seem to be especially vulnerable to this. We wish we have better skill. And we are ashamed of not having experience. And being paralyzed in our shame, how can we ever have experience?

Same goes for sexuality, especially male sexuality. For some strange reason men have amazing shame of their feeling or body. Women might be ashamed as well, but I would argue that men are even worse in this, what our very existence is based on. The shame seems to be rooted into abstract and often completely undefined thought that we should be like something what we are not. That’s how conservative people think, their thoughts are usually vague and not concrete; I should be somehow like something else, and others should too.

So what to do? If shame is inhibitor of positive change, we definitely should do something. We need to flow like water.

Someone said once that nothing can exist in nature which is not natural.  So actually shame does not exist. It’s just an illusion. Even the most talented artist was once a rookie. Even the most famous photographer was once a beginner.

If you can know that there is no shame in being beginner, being alive and being horny, you are already free from shame, and you are on your way to bigger waters.

So lets be a hero today and leave shame to the shore where it belongs.

Horror Game

I started to make my first computer game. The story is about young man who falls into a hole in forest. (This is my own story, as I fell into a hole once, and got up from there as a new man.)

My game deals with the the fear of becoming adult and overcoming hard circumstance. Yes, this is definitely a horror game. But I hope I can suggest more deeper theme than the ordinary games of dealing with enemies or aliens. Fear is never that simple. It goes deeper..

Aside photography I have been doing 3D modeling quite a lot. So basically I hope my game would be  a showcase for my skills as a modeler. But also I love making music so I hope the game would have my sound world as well.

Making something like this takes a lot of time. And working alone with your computer all day alone makes one feel kind of crippling loneliness. But it’s something I have dealt before so I’ll be OK with this one too.

As with everything like this , the most important is the plan, design and the story and realistic scope. I won’t be able to make a full featured complete game, but just like small game with one level.

Wish me luck, because I will need it.

My Story of School Bullying

When I was in school, I was bullied really badly. Physical violence, even. I could not enjoy school and neither the activities after school. I was more or less alone, most of the time.

Sometimes this painful box is opened and I have to deal with the memory. It really sucks having to do that.

I know myself pretty well and basically I am no longer vulnerable to social ridicule. But here’s the truth; I was not always this strong. I was once a young boy like my five years old is now. I watched the world through those pair of eyes.

I was threatened by those bigger than me and was attacked physically too. Knitted wool hat that my mother made was stomped on puddle of dark November sleet, contents of my school bag emptied to ditch, I was pushed around and knocked over, and a piece of ice was thrown on my head and I lost consciousness and had temporary hearing loss.

School bullying is a problem as serious as war.

Those who bully others are total chicken shit.

Two steps for happiness

I believe there are two steps for ultimate happiness and freedom.

  1. Break the fear of social ridicule
  2. Break the fear of death.

First one enables  us to express ourselves freely. When we no longer care what others think of us, our heart will start to sing and we can do everything with full love.

If we can do that everyday, and live our lives fully like that,  the fear of death will start to lose grip on us and we will be completely free. Then, we may accept death naturally.

It is never easy, I know. It’s hard as hell. And nobody deserves to be ridiculed, or live in shadow of fear. But if we can be stubborn and stand by our ideas strongly, I believe the fear will gradually disappear. I have just begun this journey.

Talk about Women

Whether one cares about women and women’s rights is absolutely linked to the goodness of a person. Therefore I think that those who cannot respect women can’t respect life on earth.

Women are source of life on earth. Without women nobody would exist. Of course without men nobody would exist either but there’s difference; women do the hardest and most important job in making human life possible. After having sex man can take a trip abroad, man’s job is finished; the baby will grow inside woman just the same. Woman can host life, so women have unique insight life on earth. Much has been written about the phenomena of female intuition, sometimes they just have hunch on things that men cannot, frightening insight, even..

My father used to say “women exist only on the purpose to be enjoyed by men”. I was quite upset about this, I was about fourteen I think. I disagreed. I was bullied in school quite badly, and then I thought how awful his words are, as that means men can actually bully women. What a horrible bullshit are those words. Women must be protected and loved and admired.

But then, I do not by any means think women are weaker than men. Women are in many ways more flexible, thus they don’t break as easily as men. Again I think this is because of the “superpowers” of women; the strange intuition.

If feminist agenda is that women must have be able to do same thing as man, then I think it’s missing it’s point. I can’t understand women who opt-in to the military service in Finland. In Finland men and women are already equal and this does not need proving. Sure addition of women makes the nuisance and stupidity of army more tolerable for the men in there, but willingly joining such activity and risking one’s god given healthy body is beyond my understanding.

As a photographer I wish I can help to support women and their unique beauty. After all I was made by one, so I want to say thanks.

A way to relax

I remember a conversation with a friend some years ago. I was explaining my frustration with photography to her, and how I feel photography is actually kind of pointless.

She said to me something like this:

“Even if it’s just a hobby, I wish you keep taking photos.”

Forgetting all the serious stuff, artistic suffering, professional photography, the pain of having exhibitions and worrying if the photos become a cohesive series, could photography be simply just a way to relax, a catharsis?

I absolutely think so.

One of the reasons why I sold my X100 and switched to film camera is because I want my photography to be less digital thing; something I can do without touching a computer so that I can relax more.

Taking photos of people is a wonderful way for me to communicate with them, especially with people I don’t know that well. It’s a bit like journalist is sympathizing while making an interview, a kind of soul communication. In that space with a camera I can just be completely myself, it’s so liberating.

But shouldn’t photography have a goal and shouldn’t photographer try hard and have ambition to reach that goal? Maybe. But someone said, “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”. Maybe we don’t need to suffer all the time even if we feel pain, frustration and loneliness at times.

The truth is that I am completely fine with the probable fact that I will never be famous or “successful photographer” whatever that means.  After I die my books and negatives and prints will wither away and will eventually disappear completely.

But I still want to photograph. If not for other reason, just as a way to relax and be completely me for a moment.

Free

I like the word free,
and I doubt of common knowledge